Day 06: A Stranger

“In the end we all become strangers and memories.”

I find the concept of a stranger so complex. When is one no longer considered a stranger? Is it after the first pleasantries are exchanged, or does it go much deeper than that? Essentially a stranger is a person you don’t know. So you would think that you can’t know a stranger. However, someone you used to know well could very easily become a stranger. How incredible is it that we as humans constantly evolve into different versions of ourselves and yet are still the same person at the end of the day? Like I said, complex. Just some food for thought. 

Day 05: My Dreams

“This is life before you know who you’re going to be..”

Wow. 10 years have flown by since my last post. I forgot I even had a blog and while looking back and reading some of  my old entries has me cringing at my awkward phase of thinking misspelling words was cute, I am also in complete awe. So much to say, yet I don’t even know where to begin. But I feel like I owe it to a certain 19 year old girl to finish what I started. So here goes. If I had written this post 10 years ago like I was supposed to, I probably would’ve detailed how I dreamt of a charmed and fulfilled life as a wife and a mother. 10 years later, my dream has come to life. Oh, how I wish I could sit with my 19 year old self and just hug her. I’d tell her to brace herself, because the next few years are going to be very hard. I’d tell her that at the end of the very long and dark tunnel, her dreams await her. You will have what you most desire and everything will be ok. But I think like most of us, if we had the chance to go back, I’d want to prepare her the best I can. I’d tell her that she’s stronger than she realizes, all she has to do is stand her ground. God is and always has been in her corner and He’s waiting for the right time to bless her with His best. All she has to do is let go of what she thinks should happen and completely submit to His good and perfect will. All she has to do is trust Him. I’d tell her that God is not withholding anything from her, but is trying to prevent years of pain and damage to her life. I’d urge her to trust Him. I’d tell her that solitude is not a punishment, but a gift. In it she’ll truly get to know herself and heal from past traumas and toxic mindsets. That through that time, she’ll learn how to navigate through her relationships and build stronger and healthier bonds. I’d tell her to seek God with all her heart because that is the one thing she will never regret and it will be time that won’t ever be wasted. Oh, how I wish I could’ve been there for her through the dark days! I would just hold her and assure her that everything is going to be ok. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, you just have be yourself. And no matter what anyone says, you were always enough. Look my darling younger self, you made it.  

Day 04: My Brother

 

I have always wanted a sister. Like my wholeeee life. But God gave a little brother. And since thats what I got, I suppose I couldn't have asked for a better brother. Growing up, you were the friend who was always there. And now, 16 years later, you're still here. I guess thats the beauty of family. Anyways, I remember all the laughs we used to share when we were younger. We used to watch the rugrats together and sometimes fight over the vcr. We used to beg mom and dad to take us to kmart on the weekends so you could get another rescue hero and I could get another mary-kate and ashley movie. We used to get dressed up in mom's and dad's clothes and put on little plays for them. We used to make up the funniest things together and laugh til we almost peed our pants. I'll never forget all of the childhood memories we built together. All those family trips to Wildwood. When mom and dad dragged us to Pennsylvania and we hated it. That veggietales tape we heard over and over again in the car on the way there. Now we're both moody teenagers, well you are more than I am lol. We might have grown out of all those childish things and we may not see eye to eye or get along as well as we used to, but I honestly don't know how my life would be without you. Thanks for everything. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for being my brother.

I love youuuuu figgy! <3

"A brother is a friend given by Nature. He share with you your childhood memories and your grown-up dreams. He's someone to lean on, someone to count on, and someone to tell on." (:

Day 03: My Parents

 My parents have always been just that. My parents. Good 'ol mom and dad. Its always been very hard for me to talk about them, but I will try my best at being honest and transparent. When I was born, up until I was the age of 3, I was my parents' world. It was so amazingg how much love and care for me they had. I have never forgotten. After my brother was born, according to my mother, is when everything changed. lol She can be dramatic sometimes( i think that's where i got it from). My childhood was very simple. My brother and I were raised in the shelter and comfort of our family and basically that's all we had and we were more than happy with it. We used to watch movies and tv shows together, and every Saturday morning we would all jumble up together in my parents' bed. We were VERY close. & then, things changed. Once I got to middle school and I started to go through all these bullying problems with girls my age, my relationship with my mother started to split apart. I would tell her about it but she wasn't much help. She raised me to deal with my problems on my own and sometimes, even when it wasn't, she would tell me it was my fault. After a while, I stopped telling her what was going on. Just because of that, It became difficult to talk to her. Once I started high school, things became worse. My mother is a person who gets easily stressed and when she's stressed, if you cross her path, she'll go off on you. So I avoided her even more. I would only go talk to her if it was an emergency or if i really needed something. I didn't want to stress her out even more with my little problems, especially when she had bigger problems of her own. So thats how it was. Whenever there was a new boy in my life, I would only tell her if it got serious. And if I had a problem with one of my friends and I was really p.o.'d about it, I'd tell her. But then she'd go and comment about it to my grandmother and I would feel betrayed. So after I got sick of that happening, I stopped telling her things altogether.

My relationship with my father is even more complex. I LOVE my dad, let me just make this clear. He's the father God gave me, and he's more than I could ever ask for. Without him, I don't even know if I'd be alive. My Dad has ALWAYS been there for me since day 1. He's always gone above and beyond to make me happy and he's walked through fire for me. When I was little, it was always easy for me to go to my Dad because he would NEVER yell at me, much less raise a hand to me. I was his princess, after all. I remember the conversations I would have with him when he would follow me around the house with the video camera. But as I got older, talking to him became near impossible. Going through the awkward stages of puberty, being around my dad became kinda awkward. So the only time I would talk to him was when I needed something.

Getting deeper now, Me and my parents argue. A LOT. In fact, I was supposed to write this 3 days ago, but i had to put it off after I had a fight with them and needed time to cool off. I have put my parents through so much, its crazy. And each time I make a mistake, it drifts us further and further apart. Like I said before, talking about my parents is a sore subject for me. I don't like talking about it because I don't think anybody would understand the situations and also, I prefer not to air out my dirty laundry. But this is called a challenge for a reason. So yeah, I have done many things that have disappointed my parents. Things I am ashamed of. Things I wish I could change. So every time my mother comes to talk to me, its to complain about something or start a fight, pretty much. I've learned enough in my life that its best not to talk back, so I don't anymore. I'm happy to say that rebellious phase is over. But when I sit there just looking at her, that's when her words start to hurt and the tears start to fall. And she keeps going, bringing up ALL the bad stuff I've done throughout my wholeeeee life. Things I can't forget and move on from, because she's always there to remind me. I don't blame her for anything negative in my life or the way I am, that is my fault and no one elses. But thats how it is. When the fights get really bad, she brings my father into it. And he never talks. He just looks at me, and I can see all the disappointment in his eyes. Sometimes, I WISH he would yell at me or hit me or anything because that look of his hurts more than anything in this world. Every time this happens, I feel that I am nothing more than an embarrassment or a disappointment to my parents. That is the biggest heartbreak I have ever gone through in my life. My mother only focuses only on the negative, and not on the positive things I do and have done. She thinks I don't love her because I keep my distance and she always tells me I'm selfish and self-centered. And I let her know all this. For the first time ever, she actually saw what she was doing and how much she was hurting me. And we haven't argued since. But then again, its only been 3 days. I LOVE my parents with all my heart. They are the parents God gave me, so whether I like it or not, they're the ones I'm stuck with for life. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I understand that they love me too, and they are always looking out for whats best for me, even when I can't see it. I've learned that in life, friends and boyfriends come and go but family is FOREVER. They are always there, no matter what. I'm thankful for them, I really am, even if they can't see that. Mom and Dad, I'm sorry for all the times I have done things that have hurt you, embarrassed you, disappointed you. I truly am. I am grateful for all you've done for me and for the way you raised me. I hope one day our relationship will improve.

I love you, never doubt that.<3

Fam[ily]; we may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

Day 01: My Best Friend

 

I was never a person with a lot of friends. In fact, I always struggled with making friends because I was always so shy and had the worst luck with fake friends. I remember being 14 and praying for a Best friend. A friend who would always be there. A friend that I could talk to. A friend that I could relate to. A friend my age. A friend I could laugh with. A friend who wasn't two-faced. A friend that I could trust and count on. A friend who would last. A friend who would love me.

Shortly after, someone came into my life. She was tall and boyish and nothing like me. She wasn't a stranger though, I've known her since I was 7. But somehow, seeing her this time was different. She was a little shy at first, but once she got warmed up she couldn't shut up. I was not what she was used to either. Every little thing about me seemed intriguing to her. I brought her into my world and nothing has been the same for either one of us since.

Flash forward to now and its been 5 years and I don't know how I ever survived without her. We can't even go 1 day without speaking to each other. Steph, I don't even know how to begin to describe how much you're friendship means to me. Even now, sitting here almost in tears, I'm completely speechless. You might not be perfect, but I truly believe that you were the friend God chose for me. It took me awhile to realize He finally answered my prayers but now it seems crystal clear. People say that real friendships are hard to find and nobody knows that better than I do. Having you in my life makes everything I went through worthwhile. Our friendship is something I treasure with my life, especially after coming close to losing it soooo many times. We have been through soooo much together and we have overcome all the obstacles that have been thrown our way. We are totally different and we may butt heads once in awhile, but I think that is what makes the beauty in our friendship. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I was wrong. Thank you for never judging me when I told you things I was ashamed to even say. Thank you for being by my side through the tough times. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for always trying your best to understand me. Thank you for making me laugh and smile everyday and showing me the beauty of life. Thank you for being trustworthy and reliable. Thank you for never betraying me. Thank you for fighting for our friendship. Thank you for being here all this time and putting up with me. Thank you for genuinely caring for me. Thank you for loving me.( no Homo lol)

Wherever life may lead us next, I hope to have you by my side always. What we have is rare and I will treasure it in my heart always and forever.

I love u Joey<3

Hold a true friend with both your hands.  ~Nigerian Proverb

30 day Challenge.

Day 1 — Your best friend

Day 2 — Your boyfriend

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that's going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — Person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Watch My Life pass me by in the rearview mirror..

This picture was taken in 2008 in my father's car on my way to church. Itt always makes me think, especially since when i took itt, i was looking att the rearview mirror, watching as we passed houses, cars, people..etc. When I think back to thatt year, i always have mixed feelings. I can honestly say itt was one of the bestt AND worstt years of my life. Its where i fetch my mostt missed memories of times when life was much simpler than it is now. When friends were always justt a phone call or even a block away. When i feltt the mostt love in my life. Butt its also the year thatt i wentt through lots of betrayal, loss, and heartache. It was the year thatt defined mostly everything. The time of my life thatt made me who I am today. When I look back and I see how much everything has changed, I wantt to sit and cry. I miss alott of the comforts that i had thatt year. The cushions to fall back on, the shoulders to cry on, the smiles thatt gave way to laughter. The year started off like any other, then quickly my life became thatt of a fairytale. My supposed Prince Charming waltzed into my life and sweptt me completely off my feet. I had more friends than i knew whatt to do with, and i lived my life with a very socially filled agenda. Itt all seemed so perfectt, att leastt for a while. Then, in a blink of an eye, i gott everything taken away from me. My bestt friend and I werentt allowed to even look att each other, let alone talk or hang outt. My "Prince Charming" turned outt to be nott justt a heartbreaker, butt a heartt destroyer. And following thatt, I started to lose all my other friends, one by  one. I could feel myself being hated by everybody. I could sense all those backs thatt turned from me. I could taste the blood from all the knives thatt were lodgedd into my back. Mostt of the pain i had to endure alone. People were tired of listening to me. And thinking aboutt it now, almostt crying my eyes outt, I remember all thatt pain. HOWEVER,when i ask myself if i would change anything if i could, aside from some acting outt and unecessary drama i caused, I decide thatt i would do it all over again. Looking back and seeing how things are now, i'm glad i wentt through all thatt heartache. I wouldn't take back one single tear. Cuz now, I see why i suffered all thatt i did. I learned who my true friends are. I learned to have a little bit more love for myself. I learned nott to revolve my whole life around one boy's opinion of me. I learned to GUARD my heartt, my feelings, my doubts, my insecurities. I learned thatt people were born to disappointt and to nott expectt much from anybody. I learned thatt there's evil even in your own backyard. Mostt of all, I learned a whole lot aboutt myself. My insecurities, my doubts, my limitations, my true desires. my uncertainties. I learned how to play the stained glass masquerade, as sad as thatt is to write, i've found thatt its necessary for survival, especially in my church. I learned how to control my rage and how to be "normal". I learned how to stand being alone,although thatt one was never easy. I learned how to hold everything inside, withoutt exploding later on. And thats justt how life is now. Do i miss those days? Yes. Would I give anything to feel the love thatt i used to feel? The sense thatt i belonged? you bett your ass i would. Butt the mostt importantt thing I've learned? Life goes on and you have to go along with itt. So whatt if thatt one person i trusted with my life and loved like a sister has betrayed me? Life Goes On. So whatt if all those "friends" are outt of my life and in the world ruining theirs? Life Goes On. So whatt if i cantt talk to certain people and thatt causes us to be strangers, maybe even enemies? Life Goes On. So whatt if the person who tried and succeeded att ruining my life is still around? Life Goes on. So whatt if my life isntt perfectt anymore? Life Goes On. So from now on, I'm nott looking back.

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.”