My parents have always been just that. My parents. Good 'ol mom and dad. Its always been very hard for me to talk about them, but I will try my best at being honest and transparent. When I was born, up until I was the age of 3, I was my parents' world. It was so amazingg how much love and care for me they had. I have never forgotten. After my brother was born, according to my mother, is when everything changed. lol She can be dramatic sometimes( i think that's where i got it from). My childhood was very simple. My brother and I were raised in the shelter and comfort of our family and basically that's all we had and we were more than happy with it. We used to watch movies and tv shows together, and every Saturday morning we would all jumble up together in my parents' bed. We were VERY close. & then, things changed. Once I got to middle school and I started to go through all these bullying problems with girls my age, my relationship with my mother started to split apart. I would tell her about it but she wasn't much help. She raised me to deal with my problems on my own and sometimes, even when it wasn't, she would tell me it was my fault. After a while, I stopped telling her what was going on. Just because of that, It became difficult to talk to her. Once I started high school, things became worse. My mother is a person who gets easily stressed and when she's stressed, if you cross her path, she'll go off on you. So I avoided her even more. I would only go talk to her if it was an emergency or if i really needed something. I didn't want to stress her out even more with my little problems, especially when she had bigger problems of her own. So thats how it was. Whenever there was a new boy in my life, I would only tell her if it got serious. And if I had a problem with one of my friends and I was really p.o.'d about it, I'd tell her. But then she'd go and comment about it to my grandmother and I would feel betrayed. So after I got sick of that happening, I stopped telling her things altogether.
My relationship with my father is even more complex. I LOVE my dad, let me just make this clear. He's the father God gave me, and he's more than I could ever ask for. Without him, I don't even know if I'd be alive. My Dad has ALWAYS been there for me since day 1. He's always gone above and beyond to make me happy and he's walked through fire for me. When I was little, it was always easy for me to go to my Dad because he would NEVER yell at me, much less raise a hand to me. I was his princess, after all. I remember the conversations I would have with him when he would follow me around the house with the video camera. But as I got older, talking to him became near impossible. Going through the awkward stages of puberty, being around my dad became kinda awkward. So the only time I would talk to him was when I needed something.
Getting deeper now, Me and my parents argue. A LOT. In fact, I was supposed to write this 3 days ago, but i had to put it off after I had a fight with them and needed time to cool off. I have put my parents through so much, its crazy. And each time I make a mistake, it drifts us further and further apart. Like I said before, talking about my parents is a sore subject for me. I don't like talking about it because I don't think anybody would understand the situations and also, I prefer not to air out my dirty laundry. But this is called a challenge for a reason. So yeah, I have done many things that have disappointed my parents. Things I am ashamed of. Things I wish I could change. So every time my mother comes to talk to me, its to complain about something or start a fight, pretty much. I've learned enough in my life that its best not to talk back, so I don't anymore. I'm happy to say that rebellious phase is over. But when I sit there just looking at her, that's when her words start to hurt and the tears start to fall. And she keeps going, bringing up ALL the bad stuff I've done throughout my wholeeeee life. Things I can't forget and move on from, because she's always there to remind me. I don't blame her for anything negative in my life or the way I am, that is my fault and no one elses. But thats how it is. When the fights get really bad, she brings my father into it. And he never talks. He just looks at me, and I can see all the disappointment in his eyes. Sometimes, I WISH he would yell at me or hit me or anything because that look of his hurts more than anything in this world. Every time this happens, I feel that I am nothing more than an embarrassment or a disappointment to my parents. That is the biggest heartbreak I have ever gone through in my life. My mother only focuses only on the negative, and not on the positive things I do and have done. She thinks I don't love her because I keep my distance and she always tells me I'm selfish and self-centered. And I let her know all this. For the first time ever, she actually saw what she was doing and how much she was hurting me. And we haven't argued since. But then again, its only been 3 days. I LOVE my parents with all my heart. They are the parents God gave me, so whether I like it or not, they're the ones I'm stuck with for life. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I understand that they love me too, and they are always looking out for whats best for me, even when I can't see it. I've learned that in life, friends and boyfriends come and go but family is FOREVER. They are always there, no matter what. I'm thankful for them, I really am, even if they can't see that. Mom and Dad, I'm sorry for all the times I have done things that have hurt you, embarrassed you, disappointed you. I truly am. I am grateful for all you've done for me and for the way you raised me. I hope one day our relationship will improve.
I love you, never doubt that.<3
Fam[ily]; we may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
